


Putting back the pieces

by Diamondmask



Series: Promises and Scars [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Loyalty, M/M, Physical Disability, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con References, Servants
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 17:40:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/600409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diamondmask/pseuds/Diamondmask
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Having been enslaved and raped, Merlin is now safe in Camelot. But he finds that wounds take a long time to heal. Arthur has changed in his absence and they both must come to terms with how the events have altered them. Merlin makes new friends but discovers that Camelot is not as safe as he thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beside Merlin

**Author's Note:**

> This section is more or less relationship building with crisis.

Waking up beside Merlin was the best feeling Arthur had ever known. He rose on one elbow to look at the sleeping form beside him. How had this happened he wondered? How had he let this one person into his heart? He had always lived behind shutters, at least since he was seven and his father had dismissed his nurse, saying “ The Prince of Camelot does not need coddling”. 

Arthur had learned that people liked to be near him because he was the Prince and complimented him because they wanted something. And then came Merlin, who patently did not like to be near him and made a point of insulting him at every opportunity and in whose presence Arthur felt alive. 

When Merlin indicated by a word or a look that he was proud of the prince, Arthur’s world shifted and the sun shone. He had even done all he could to push the man away – overloading him with work, punishing him for the slightest infraction, belittling him at every turn. And when Merlin had finally shown a flaw he had thrown him away. 

And yet? And yet? He loved him. He loved him. Enough to go through hell to keep him safe. How could he love a manservant? How could he love a man? So many contradictions bound up in the certainty of the form beside him, pale and, yes, drooling. Arthur smiled. This was everything he had not known he wanted, asleep beside him. 

Merlin stirred. 

“Good Morning, Lazy” Arthur said softly  
Merlin gave a don’t-wake-me-up-I’m-comfortable snuffle then opened his eyes with a soft indulgent look.  
Then his eyes widened in horror and he turned away, pushing out of the bed and stumbling across the room.  
“Oh gods I have to go... where are my breeches? How did my tunic get over there? Shit! Fuck!”  
Arthur’s heart constricted within him.

 

Merlin dressed at speed and moved towards the door as fast as his leg allowed.  
Arthur saw the end of everything he had dreamed of about to walk out the door. He understood now why affection was not for a prince. He felt as if his insides had been torn out and stamped on.  
He wanted to say stop, wait, please, why? I love you. What he actually said was:  
“Don’t bang the door on your way out”  
But Merlin heard him.  
He turned and looked at his prince. Arthur was wearing his most supercilious expression – the one he hid behind.  
“Arthur! Oh fuck.. Arthur?” Merlin suddenly saw his actions through Arthur’s eyes. He moved back towards the bed.

 

“Arthur?” Arthur said nothing.  
“Arthur Pendragon, know that I love you with every wheezy breath in my body. I will never willingly leave you, but your father already hates me and if he knows that I shared your bed he will kill me and if I don’t get back to Gaius soon he will have the whole castle searching for me and the King will know so I have to leave” 

“You don’t regret? I don’t.. you are not... disgusted?” Arthur was hesitant. 

Merlin smiled. “You are my love, my King and the most gorgeous man I know, but if I don’t go now I may never get the chance to show you again how I feel. I will be back with your breakfast”  
Merlin ran his finger down Arthur’s face and silently looked for permission to leave. When he saw what he needed, he limped back towards the door. 

“Merlin?”  
Merlin smiled as he left. 

Merlin reached Gaius just before he called up the hue and cry. He had not had time to think of an excuse of why he had not returned the night before but Gaius did not ask, merely raised his eyebrows. 

 

Merlin’s first attempt to bring up Arthur’s breakfast tray was less than successful and it took some time for Meg to work out a system with a large baker’s basket and some twine.  
“Can’t have you falling down those stairs” she’d said, “Our Prince would be in a right tizzy” 

When Merlin got back to Arthur’s room he found said prince on his knees mopping up the bathwater from the night before.

“Arthur? What are you doing? Merlin was incredulous.  
“Isn’t it obvious Idiot? We half drowned most of the room”  
“But, that’s my job”  
Arthur looked a little embarrassed but defiant “I thought.. with your leg.. it might be difficult”  
Merlin thought of the arrogant prat who had threatened to teach him to walk on his knees and smiled. “I’ll find a way” he said “Now eat” 

 

Merlin spread food on the table, realising that the super things were still there. When Arthur had taken his place, Merlin stood behind like a good servant. Last night had thoroughly disorientated him and he wanted to find some form of normal. Without looking up Arthur asked if he had eaten.  
“Not yet” he replied.  
“Then sit down and take half of this”.  
Merlin’s disorientation was increased. “Arthur, can you stop being nice to me. It’s getting me confused. I am beginning to think you have been magiced.”  
“Maybe I have” said Arthur with a smiling look.  
“Not by me” squeaked Merlin. Arthur laughed. “All right” he said, “When, and I mean when and not now, you have eaten, you can tidy my stuff. And clear the table, and check my armour and...”  
“I shouldn’t have said anything, should I” groaned Merlin, but he smiled as he spoke. This he remembered. This was normal. 

 

While tidying Arthur’s ‘stuff’ he noticed a seal, about the size of a palm, with an unusual sigil depicted.  
“This isn’t your seal?” Merlin said curiously. Arthur looked over. “It’s my mother’s” he said, his face clouding. “It is all I have of her” his voice was sad but he shook himself out of it. “That and my amazing good looks”  
“Your amazing big head is all your own doing then?” said Merlin  
Arthur laughed. “It is good to have you back Merlin”  
“It’s good to be back.” 

 

But Merlin was not really back. 

As Merlin helped Arthur with his armour, struggling to remember exactly which hole each buckle should be pulled to, Arthur broached a subject Merlin had avoided. 

 

“Tell me how you were captured.” he asked. “How many were there? Where did it happen?”  
“I don’t want to talk about it” Merlin shifted uncomfortably.  
“Merlin, all raiders are a threat to Camelot. I need to know everything I can if I am to protect my people”  
“There were six of them. I... I dunno where exactly. Maybe east” Merlin’s voice was subdued.  
“When?”  
“On the second day after I ... left. Can we stop talking about this now?”  
“I am not to be nice to you, remember? How did you find them?” Arthur was insistent but inside he thought: Two days – I had just started to miss you.  
“I fell into them. I mean really, I fell down a slope and there they were” 

 

Arthur was silent. He thought of Merlin, alone in the forest, with the woodsmanship of an avalanche, naturally finding bandits by falling on top of them. 

Merlin’s shoulders were tense and his hand clenched and unclenched on the table top. His eyes were unfocused as he stared in front of him, looking at sights he preferred not to remember. Arthur reached out and clasped his hand in his own.

 

“Please” said Merlin in a whisper. “Please, I can’t do this now. I can’t go back there in my head. Not yet. I need to really believe I am here first. Please Arthur, don’t make me go back”  
Arthur drew back. “Finish here” he said “I will be training later. I want you to resume your duties.”  
Merlin felt as if he had somehow failed the Prince, but said nothing. 

The training ground added to Merlin’s anxiety. He did not know how he would be received. Those who knew his secret, accepted it, but for Arthur’s sake, and the others would see him only as a nuisance who had caused their prince pain. To make matters worse it took three trips to the armoury to carry the equipment to the ground and on the last trip he was wheezing and had to stop twice. Some of the knights seemed to be muttering when he finally arrived .Arthur was talking with a group of men at the other side of the field and did not look up as Merlin dropped the final load and tried to hide in a corner – a difficult thing to do in an open field. 

 

Suddenly Merlin was embraced in a bear hug that constricted his breathing even more. When he was released a finger poked him in the ribs.  
“You,” Said Gwaine loudly “Owe me an ale. In fact you owe me loads of ale!”  
“Erm? Why?” asked Merlin  
“I had to look after that beast of yours while you were gone. She bites! I have teeth marks!”  
“She never bit me” said Merlin.  
“That is because I am much sweeter than you” Gwaine responded smartly. And suddenly Merlin relaxed. This would be all right. He would get through it. 

 

Watching the training session, made Merlin see Arthur in a new light. He was strong and controlled as he sparred, giving no quarter, but when he won he went over every move to show how he had done it. He rarely praised, but those who did receive his approbation looked as if the Gods themselves had blessed them. When he criticised, he took time to demonstrate what he meant and waited until the knight knew himself to have improved. Merlin saw that his prince had become a leader that men would follow without need of title or noble blood but rather for loyalty and courage and strength of heart. Merlin felt both proud and a little sad. He realised that he belonged to Arthur: completely, body and soul, but that Arthur belonged to Camelot and she was greedy. 

 

Feeling wistful at this thought, Merlin became aware that his leg was cramping as he stood. The pain grew as he tried to ignore it. He was trying to shift his weight surreptitiously from leg to leg when suddenly Arthur shouted from the side of field.

 

“Merlin! Try and be of some use! The fletching on those arrows needs checking – take them over to that bench and make sure you check them thoroughly!” As he spoke he moved over to Merlin and, lifting up the quiver of arrow, pushed them roughly into his servant’s arms.  
“And next time” he hissed under his breath, “don’t wait until you are in pain to sit down”  
Merlin looked into Arthur’s eyes and they exchanged a brief look before Merlin limped over to the bench to complete his allotted task. 

 

When the training session ended Arthur remained in conversation with Gwaine. Merlin started gathering up the equipment to return it to the armoury. The last time he had done this it had seemed a chore, but now, with still aching leg, he understood how easy it had been. After his first return trip he started to feel the tiredness seep into every muscle. He had picked up the next load when Lancelot and Elyan moved over to him.  
“Let me” said Lancelot taking the bundle from his arms. Elyan swept up the rest and they moved off. 

 

Once in the armoury, Elyan, having left down his burden, took up position outside the door.  
“So” said Lancelot “I could help you put this lot away tidily, or I could keep an eye on the window and you could do it all an easier way”  
“You don’t mind?” said Merlin cautiously.  
“I want to see it” said Lancelot 

 

And Merlin obliged. With a sweep of his hand hauberks and maces, swords and flails arranged themselves around the room. Lancelot’s eyes shone. “That is very impressive” he said. “I can see it becoming very useful”.  
As they left, Gwaine bounded over.  
“You” he said to Merlin, “are coming to the tavern”  
“I have to see to Arthur” Merlin responded automatically.  
Leon, who had followed Gwaine said “The Prince dines with the King tonight. He gave you leave to accompany us”  
“In other words you have been given the night off for drunken debauchery”  
“Gwaine! You were given strict instructions!” said Leon  
“Yes” said Gwaine happily, “I was told to get you drunk”  
“There was a don’t in there” said an exasperated Leon.  
Merlin wasn’t really listening. He watched as Arthur left the field alone and wondered if his prince would like a night in the tavern with his friends. 

 

In the tavern Merlin felt rather lost. The sound of raised drunken voices was too recent and too raw to be pleasant and as he sipped the tankard before him he realised he had not eaten since the morning. Gwaine had thumped the tankard in front of him saying “Drink that down quickly cos you’re buying the next one”  
Merlin felt a blush cover his cheeks. “Gwaine, I. I’m sorry I don’t have any money”  
“Well, then I’ll shell out this time and you can get me on pay day”  
“I, erm, well.. I don’t .. its”  
“You do get paid, don’t you Merlin?” Gwaine was insistent  
“Erm, yes of course, I’ll get you back, um next week” Merlin said.  
Merlin tried to enjoy the evening but long before the others moved he rose and made his excuses and left. “I’m still a bit wheezy” he said “got to take my medicine” 

 

The castle was quiet when he returned, the guards barely acknowledging him at the gate. He contemplated going to Arthur’s chambers, but his feet took him to his own bare room. Gaius was asleep when he entered, his parchment and writing materials on the table. Merlin stared at them for minute, an idea forming. He picked up ink, a quill and some sheets. He would do something for Arthur. Something that hurt: for the prince who walked alone from the crowd, for the man who had endured so much for a servant. Merlin walked into hell and shut the door. 

 

In the morning Gaius noted the dark shadows under Merlin’ eyes but said nothing. Merlin went to wake the Prince but found Arthur up and dressed. Merlin was embarrassed. Had the routine changed while he was gone? Should he have been earlier? All he said was “Oh” 

“I couldn’t sleep” Arthur said, understanding the unsaid. 

“Me neither” Merlin said, then gaining courage he added “I have something for you” He handed over the closely written pages of parchment. Arthur looked at him quizzically. 

 

“It’s what you asked for yesterday. Numbers, distances, ... details. I tried to make it all military but.. that’s not really me. And um, the spelling may not be great. And I ran out of ink at the end so I used charcoal and it smudged a bit and there were some bits I am not really sure because... well you can read it...” 

Arthur looked as if he had been turned to stone. When he spoke his voice was low and thick. 

“Merlin, I have been eating my heart out at what I asked from you yesterday. I knew it was too soon and I still pushed. And you give me this? This must have...”

“Hurt” said Merlin touching Arthur’s lips. “It did. But I think you hurt too each time you returned from searching for me”  
“That’s not the same” Arthur was angry. “You don’t owe me” 

“But I do” said Merlin pulling away. “And one way to repay you is by getting your breakfast” and he was gone.  
A Merlin moodswitch thought Arthur as he sat to read. 

 

When Merlin returned with the breakfast tray, Arthur was waiting for him. “ I hurt because I came home empty handed, because I had not found you. That is what mattered” he said He rose and took the tray from Merlin.  
“Thank you” he said simply. His hand traced the scar at the side of Merlin’s face. Understated phrases from Merlin’s report rang in his head ‘asked questions’ ‘a bit free with his knife’ ‘blood blinded me’ “Now let me help you heal the scars inside” 

 

“Do they heal?” asked Merlin in a whisper  
“Maybe” said Arthur softly. For a moment their foreheads touched, then Merlin switched.  
“I don’t know about you but I could really do with breakfast”

 

Arthur had a council meeting so he left Merlin to get reacquainted with the room. Arthur wondered if he would note the lack of dust bunnies under the bed, but doubted it. Arthur found that the events of the morning had unsettled him and he was less attentive than usual at the meeting. When it ended Gaius came to him.

 

“May I have a word Your Highness” Arthur nodded and Gaius went on “It is about Merlin”  
Arthur conscious of his father standing a few feet away said “Indeed? He has returned to his duties – he seems well”  
“Oh yes Sire, recovering daily. But that limp does slow him down a little. I wonder if I might ask a favour of you?” Again Arthur nodded.  
“I know you have not generally liked having the anteroom to your chambers occupied and I quite understand, a young man does not like to be overlooked, but under the circumstances and until his wounds have quite healed, could you allow, would you permit Merlin to move his bed to that chamber? It would eliminate two flights of stairs for him each morning and make him more available to serve you”  
Arthur looked at Gaius suspiciously but the old physician looked back with a bland look and not even a single raised eyebrow.  
“You make a valid point” said Arthur, “I will consider it”  
He hurried out of the chamber to find Merlin.

 

“Gaius just....” “Did Gaius ask...”  
“Do you want to?” “Do you want me to?”  
“Idiot” “Clotpole”  
“At least there’s less chance of your father killing me” said Merlin his voice muffled in Arthur’s hair.  
And Arthur got to wake up beside Merlin every morning.


	2. Being useful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin finds a way to prove his use to Arthur and the others

Arthur did not forget the knights who had known Merlin’s name. When he thought of it a cold hand clenched around his gut. This had been more than the casual cruelty of the privileged. This was personal. He spoke to Gwaine and Leon and asked them to track down who had been missing from Camelot around mid winter but there was little else he could do. 

 

Merlin was healing, but slowly. Arthur noted that apart from his visit to the tavern, Merlin had not left the castle precincts since his return. Once when an older knight had barked at the man at training, Merlin had flinched and muttered “Sorry Master” before scuttling away. It had taken all of Arthur’s strength not to go after him but he knew any public affection from him would sign Merlin’s death warrant. He did make sure that Sir Lionel had the worst duties for some time afterwards, but that did not help Merlin. 

 

In fact, the only place Merlin was truly at peace was in bed, which was all well and good (and it was good, very) but Merlin needed to be free to live. 

 

When Arthur saw a report about a few outlaws taking livestock from an outlying village he saw an opportunity. The report referred to two or three men armed with cudgels and normally this would be dealt with at local level but Arthur persuaded his father to allow him to lead five knights to deal with the issue. It would be the first time he had left Camelot since he had brought Merlin back. 

 

“Pack for me, Merlin” he said when he returned to his rooms that evening. “Patrol tomorrow”   
“Oh.” said Merlin in a guarded tone. “How long will you be gone?”   
“We, Merlin, We” said Arthur, “you are coming with me”  
“I am?”   
“Of course. You always attend me. Even when I tell you not to”   
“Um, I could just stay here and polish your armour?”   
Arthur moved closer. “Merlin, you will be with five of the best knights in Camelot” he closed his eyes for a moment “your friends. You need not fear with them”  
“m’not afraid” muttered Merlin  
Arthur wondered if he was pushing too far too fast again, but did not relent. “You will ride tomorrow”  
“Fine” said Merlin mulishly. “As long as I don’t fall off”

 

Merlin falling off the horse had not occurred to Arthur and the thought gave him a few nightmares through the night. It was with some trepidation the next morning that he watched Merlin ride out with the others but he quickly realised that, whereas a clever horse could unseat a rider with a few well chosen moves, a very clever horse could keep a rider in the saddle with a little effort. Arthur relaxed. Spring had finally arrived, Merlin was home and the world was good. 

 

Merlin did not relax. He was not fearful for his safety. He trusted Arthur implicitly and had no doubt in the prowess of his knights and, in truth, in his own magical abilities. He just feared any change in the fragile balance he was negotiating in his life.

 

He knew he was not ‘back to normal’. The old Merlin was gone and he did not think he could return. For a start his leg limited him. He had not realised how much of his time in Camelot involved running. Now every journey around the castle involved mental calculation of the number of stairs on the way and every evening found him tired and sore.

 

But that was not all. He found that he did not quite believe in the reality of being back in Camelot. He would wake in the middle of the night, afraid to open his eyes in case he found he was back in the garret of the Inn, facing another day of lonely drudgery, until the sound of Arthur’s snores convinced him he was home. During the day, everything he heard and saw was filtered through the prism of his time at the inn so that he felt everything was distorted or twisted, like the night at the tavern. He feared that even this patrol, in the company of his friends, would be altered by his memories and turned into something dark. 

 

And he was still finding his way with Arthur. Arthur had changed while he was gone. The Prince was deeper and wiser and more silent than before. Merlin found himself falling in love all over again with this new Arthur and it unsettled him. As he took his accustomed place beside Arthur on the ride out, he was unusually silent. He had always known how to talk to both Arthur the prat and Arthur the Prince and he had learned to be comfortable with Arthur the friend, but with Arthur the lover he was unaccountably shy. The silence between them was not uncomfortable, mediated as it was with looks but it emphasised that they were not ‘back to normal’

 

Arthur made them push on during the day, stopping only in late afternoon.  
“There is about two hours of daylight left” he said, “but we will stop here and make camp. We should to get to the village by midday tomorrow”   
Merlin found a new difficulty. His leg had been cramping for a few hours and as he watched the others dismount, he realised that he would not be able to jump down and land on the bad leg. He felt humiliated as he realised he would have to ask for help to dismount, when Lancelot passed by.

 

“A bit stiff are you?” he said “I know the feeling. We peasant born are not made for life in the saddle. Swing your good leg over and lean on my shoulder. I can take the weight and give you balance”   
Merlin followed instructions and got down, relieved that he did not have to be lifted down. Arthur, who had turned back to help Merlin, smiled at the interaction. Lancelot was a good man, sensitive to others and Arthur was glad he had championed him. 

 

As they set up camp, Merlin struggled to remember the routine sequence of actions that had once come naturally to him. Should he start a fire, or collect water first? Or should he just unpack and sort out supplies. He settled for trying to do all at once, getting muddled in the process. Gwaine called over to him.  
“You know, this would be a lot easier if you just....” he lifted his hand and wriggled his fingers while raising a quizzical eyebrow.  
“Oh” said Merlin and raised his own hand, his eyes flashing gold. Without thinking it through, Arthur spoke.   
“It would be easier, Gwaine, if you all did your own work. Merlin is my servant. He does not need your advice.” 

 

And there it was. The beaten kitten look in Merlin’s eyes that made Arthur’s stomach clench, followed immediately by the I’m-sorry-I’ll-do-better-next-time look that made him want to either pull Merlin to him or hit something. Arthur knew many ways to destroy a man but he did not know how to put back the pieces of one who was broken. He wanted to explain but Merlin, having picked up the waterskins, had turned and was making for the nearby stream, his leg dragging as he walked. Had it been anyone else, Arthur would have said it was put on, but he knew how Merlin hated to show weakness and he cursed himself for his clumsy approach. 

 

In truth, Arthur loved seeing Merlin use his magic. Somehow, it made Merlin complete; when he showed his magic Merlin was truly free, truly himself. But Arthur feared that if he became used to using magic for simple purposes, in front of others he would become careless. One, slip, one inadvertent move, would mean his death. Arthur realised this one day when he had entered his room without warning to find Merlin setting the table while a broom swept the hearth and a water bucket filled the bath. But he had not explained. And now he had hurt Merlin again. 

 

Before he could follow Merlin, Leon approached him, with Gwaine in tow.   
“That information you asked for... we have some answers; but it’s not much”  
Arthur tensed. Had they found the knights at the Inn? But the answers did not help. Because of the snow, a number of knights had been stranded away from the castle for much of the winter. In addition, many of the king’s knights lived on their manors and visited Camelot only occasionally, when called on. Any one of them could have been on the moors  
“Give me the names anyway” said Arthur. “We can go no further at this time, but I want to know who we are dealing with” Leon nodded and moved away. Gwaine lingered. 

 

“You know I respect you” he began, and Arthur sighed. This was not a good start.   
“I am assuming you don’t know” Gwaine went on, “I found I liked this sleuthing thing so I did a little digging and it turns out Merlin has never been paid, not in the –how many years has he been working for you?”   
“That’s impossible” snapped Arthur  
“Well, not really. Seems that because he works for you he is part of your household and should be paid by your comptroller.”  
“I don’t have a comptroller”  
“Is my point.” said Gwaine “The King’s comptroller would not pay him because he was not part of the King’s household and you...” Gwaine trailed off as he saw Arthur’s face.  
“I let him down” Arthur whispered.  
“He wouldn’t see it that way”   
“He should” Arthur felt sick. That explained the empty room, the threadbare clothes. Suddenly his control left him and he punched the tree in front of him.   
“Whoa!” said Gwaine “That is a really good way to break your hand!” and that is why I follow this Prince he thought.  
Arthur flexed his fingers. “Not broken” he said, ignoring the gashed knuckles.  
“Must be a soft tree” said Gwaine “Be easy Sire, everything can be fixed”  
“Everything?” said Arthur doubtingly.  
“Everything” said Gwaine firmly. “Look at me, good example” Arthur gave a half laugh, half sob as Gwaine directed him back to the fire. 

 

Later, Arthur watched as the group bantered with Merlin.  
“At last, some decent cooking!” said Percival as he tucked into the food Merlin served up. “We’ve had to put up with Gwaine’s cooking you know”  
“I wouldn’t really call it cooking” said Lancelot, “more waving stuff over a fire and hoping”   
“Hey! What can I say? I’m a fighter not a cook!” Gwaine laughed.  
Arthur wondered if he was the only one to notice the slight stiffening of Merlin’s shoulders as he bent to add wood to the fire.

 

“Merlin?” said Leon, “Do that thing with the lights”   
Merlin looked doubtfully over at Arthur, who nodded.   
“Watch this,” said Leon to the others “it is just amazing”   
Soon the camp was filled with tiny lights chasing each other through the forest air. 

 

Later still, when the fire had burnt low and Merlin’s lights had gone, Merlin set down his bed roll near Arthur.   
“I’m sorry” he said softly, so the others could not hear, “I shouldn’t have used magic without asking you”   
“You shouldn’t have to ask me Merlin” said Arthur, “you shouldn’t have to hide. But every time you use magic I am afraid you will be seen, reported.” He raised up on one elbow and looked at Merlin, only a shadow in the night. “I am selfish Merlin. I... I cannot bear the thought of losing you again.” He reached out his hand to touch Merlin’s fingers. “I want you safe”   
“I can be safe with magic” said Merlin gently, winding his fingers through Arthur’s. “I will be careful”   
“Promise?” asked Arthur   
“Promise” said Merlin.  
They fell asleep, fingers still twined together. 

 

By midday, as Arthur had predicted they reached the village. Merlin watched as Arthur dismounted and embraced the village chief who came to meet him, greeting him by name. It seemed Arthur had learned a lot of names while he had been gone – and not just in the castle. The news in the village was disturbing; not two or three men with cudgels but a well armed band of about ten, some with mail. Arthur debated with the idea of sending for reinforcement s but decided to rely on superior training and surprise. He sent Lancelot and Gwaine to scout the area and went over tactics with the others. Merlin stood nervously by his jennet.

“Er Do you want me with you?” he asked, chewing at his lip.   
Arthur was tempted to say no, since it had never stopped Merlin before, but something stopped him. That was before. This was not the old Merlin. This Merlin might not ....

 

“Yes Merlin, I want you with us. And you are to use your magic when you need to. Do not look at me. Do not think of me. Just do what needs to be done”   
This time he had said the right thing. Merlin broke into his full smile, from his eyes and moving over to Arthur, he reached for a hug. “I won’t let you down” he said.  
“You never have” said Arthur. 

 

Gwaine was the first to find the raiders in a clearing north of the village. Arthur arranged his men for maximum impact and then attacked. 

For Merlin the attack was alarmingly exhilarating. He had been in battle before but he had always had to hide his magic. Now he hid nothing from his friends. When an arrow flew towards Elyan, he froze it, then let it fall. He blocked a mace attack on Percival and two raiders who headed for Arthur were felled before they came within six feet of him. Merlin twirled and turned and tried to keep his eyes on all his friends. The battle was over in minutes with all of the raiders dead, much to Arthur’s dismay. 

 

“I need to know where they came from, how they came to be so well armed. Couldn’t you have left even one alive?” he looked accusingly around.   
“We’re just that good” said Gwaine  
“With Merlin’s help” said Lancelot.  
That night they camped nearby. Around the fire there was no complimenting Merlin on his cooking or asking for displays of lights. Instead there were inquires about his abilities, discussions of tactics, retelling of war stories and Merlin had never been happier. For the first time in his life he was not the Fool, or the mascot or the pet, tolerated and liked but not respected. Now he was one of them, having earned his place, a fighter not a cook.   
Arthur rejoiced in Merlin’s happiness, and ignored the first tendrils of unease he felt. 

 

Back in Camelot, Arthur’s victory brought rare praise from his father.   
“And how did the cripple manage?” he added. “I heard you brought him along”  
“Merlin was very useful” replied Arthur  
“What did he do? Hit them over the head with a frying pan?   
“Something like that” Arthur said. 

 

Arthur had one loose end to fix. One evening, a few days after their return, he was waiting when Merlin came to his room.   
“Here” he said, handing Merlin a pouch that clinked with coin.  
“What’s this?” asked Merlin  
“Your pay” said Arthur  
Merlin paled and dropped the bag like a hot coal, his breathing fast and shallow.  
“You can’t ... don’t do that to me... you.... don’t make me a....” his eyes flicked from the bed to the pouch on the floor. 

 

Arthur was bewildered, until dawning realisation hit him.   
“No! Merlin! No!” he reached out to hold Merlin’s now shaking form but the man pulled his hand away. 

“This is your back pay. Every penny you earned from the time you came to work for me to the time I drove you away. That’s all. Buy Hunith a winter cloak. Get yourself new boots. Drink the tavern dry...you earned this before we shared a bed. Merlin how could you think I would..” 

 

Merlin sat down heavily.  
“I don’t know what I am to you” he said slowly, looking at Arthur with a questioning look.  
“Am I your servant? Your Fool? A friend? A toy? your Lover? ...a warlock? What am I?”   
Arthur looked puzzled. Kneeling, he cupped Merlin’s face in his hands and looked into his eyes.   
“You’re Merlin” he said.


	3. Not Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's past catches up with him and he finds out the meaning of friendship.

As spring melted into summer Arthur went on patrol more often. Sometimes they were uneventful, information gathering trips to villages and manors across the Kingdom. Often they involved fighting; a group of outlaws threatening villages, a band of mercenaries burning, stealing and raping as they went, a mysterious beast on the forest road, once another group of well armed raiders. All challenges met and defeated. 

 

Merlin always accompanied Arthur’s patrols as a member of the team. And that team got bigger. The first to be added was Sir Bors. When a branch just happened to fall on a beast about to jump on Percival, Bors was facing the wrong way and saw the flash of gold in Merlin’s eyes.  
“Sorcerer!” he cried “he’s a sorcerer!”   
Gwaine put a heavy hand on Bors’ shoulder. “We need to have a little chat” 

 

The next evening Bors got to see the light show, and by the time they returned he had been saved from a rock slide by Merlin’s hand and was a fully committed part of the team. 

 

Arthur was not pleased.   
“I thought you said you’d be careful” he hissed at Merlin  
“I tried! Honestly. But that beast had really nasty teeth and if it had bitten Percival..”   
“Merlin! It is your life”  
“Is my life more important than Percival?”  
Arthur wanted to scream yes, yes a thousand times yes but he said nothing. Merlin had a point. 

 

By late summer, twelve knights knew Merlin’s secret. Arthur was very unhappy having Merlin’s life in so many hands but he could only try to manage the spread.  
For a start, no knight on Leon’s list of those away at mid winter ever went on patrol with Merlin. And each new knight taken on patrol had to have been to the tavern with Gwaine at least twice. This gave him the opportunity to tease out their loyalty and find out did they babble while drunk. Quite a few knights who were sent on border patrols to remote outposts had failed the test. Those who survived the crucible were part of the team.

But Arthur was worried. 

 

When he saw Bors stand without even his sword raised as a rider rode towards him with a spear, in the sure knowledge that Merlin would unhorse him (he did), Arthur knew he had a problem.   
He spoke to Merlin  
“Merlin, at the next training session I will be announcing that whoever goes on patrol, we will not be accompanied by you”  
“What? Why? Arthur? What have I done?”  
“Everything, Merlin. That’s the problem. You do everything. You protect everyone.”  
“That’s my job”  
“No, that’s their job. Merlin, I train them hard to make their skills instinctive, to have them hone their reflexes, trust themselves. But after a few patrols with you they forget all that and rely on you to save them. It will get them killed.”

“But I can do it. I can save them” Merlin was desperate but Arthur had to ignore the plea in his voice.  
“You almost got yourself killed trying to see everything, react to everything. Merlin, I have made my decision. You will not be with me when I next ride out. It is final” 

 

oOo  
And so it was, when Arthur rode out with fifteen knights and thirty men at arms for a three week sweep of the eastern borders, Merlin was not with him. Such a force was meant to exert the power of Camelot on any who thought to raid at harvest time and as such the King gave a formal leave taking. As a servant, Merlin was not there. He watched his prince leave from the battlements staying there until the column disappeared out of sight among the hills. 

 

Merlin realised that since he had left the sickroom he had only spent one night away from Arthur. He felt bereft as he made his way back to the empty room.   
This was ridiculous. He was acting like a lovelorn scullery maid. He left the room and went down to the kitchen. 

 

There he found the place busy with preparations for the King’s dinner. Uther was dining with his knights and the meal was to be a mixture of ceremony and camaraderie. In practice this meant good food with lots of drink. 

 

Merlin found Meg and offered to help.  
“You still here then? I thought the Prince went this morning” she said   
“He did, I um stayed”   
“You two have a falling out then?”  
Merlin felt uncomfortable. He had not anticipated that he would have to explain his absence from the patrol to anybody. He improvised.  
“It’s a training thing. Arthur wants... Um I can’t really say” his imagination failed him. 

 

“Ah,” said Meg knowingly “You’ve got a job for Our Prince? No need to say a word. You leave it to me. No one will ask you awkward questions.” and she winked. Merlin felt embarrassed but was glad of her kindness. “Now are you sure you have the time to help out here?” she went on and when Merlin nodded she allotted him tasks at the second hearth. Merlin found himself enjoying the frantic atmosphere of the kitchen. Everyone knew their job and each contributed to the elaborate dance that was the preparation of a royal meal. In their own way each was as skilled as a knight and Merlin began to think there was something to be said for being a cook after all. 

 

The one anxious moment came when it was suggested that Merlin should serve at the meal. The thought of serving the King without Arthur present filled Merlin with fear. He was struggling to find a reason not to help out when, Meg, seeing his distress announced he already had a job and would everyone go away. Again he was grateful. 

 

When Merlin returned to the room it was late and he was exhausted. The room was still empty and somehow he could not bring himself to sleep in Arthur’s bed without Arthur. It seemed wrong. For the first time since he had moved from Gaius, he slept in the bed in the antechamber. He slept badly and had nightmares. 

oOo  
The next day Merlin decided to visit the one person in Camelot who really understood him. He headed for the stables to talk to his horse. 

 

As he crossed the stable courtyard he felt an arm at his elbow. Turning slightly he saw Sir Maleagant, one of Uther’s knights, in Camelot for the King’s dinner. Merlin was puzzled but then the man spoke and his grip tightened 

“So the pretty whore made it back to the castle then?” 

Merlin knew that voice. He heard it in his nightmares every night. He tried to jerk his arm away but the grip was too strong. 

“You like struggling, don’t you... makes things interesting” the voice went on  
“Get away from me” 

 

“Really? Do you want me shouting instead of talking quiet and friendly, about how I saw you last with your arse in the air, come on your legs, begging for more? Do you want me to shout it out? Or maybe I should tell the King? How would he like to know a Royal servant was a common whore? He’d have your hide. But before that he’d have your arse. Uther’s not above sampling the wares. Want to add a King to your customers boy?”

 

Merlin was in a living nightmare. His mind ran in circles as Maleagant propelled him towards a vacant stable.   
This cannot be happening not in Camelot, not in Camelot, Camelot is safe not happening not in Camelot... 

 

Maleagant kicked the door shut then, with practiced ease wrenched Merlin’s arm behind him with one hand and pulled at his breeches with the other, tearing them as he tugged them down. 

 

“You and I” he said conversationally “are going to get reacquainted. Intimately. Hands and knees boy” He pushed Merlin down and loosened his own breeches.

 

“What would your Prince think if he knew you whored for us? Or maybe he does know. Maybe he jerks off to the thought of you being fucked in every orifice for days” 

 

Merlin felt memory and reality slipping together so that he did not know what was real. He felt hot hands grasping his buttocks, spreading his checks apart reaching in..

 

Grabbing strength he did not know he possessed, Merlin lurched back pushing Maleagant across the stable floor. 

“Bastard!” The knight roared, “You’ll pay for that!” He began to struggle to his feet.

 

Before he could move, Merlin’s hand reached out and his eyes flashed gold. A huge bag of grain in the corner of the stable flew up and struck Maleagant with a sickening crunch. He fell, his neck broken, the sack on top of him.

 

Merlin scuttled to the wall and drew his knees up to his chin. He had killed a knight. He would hang for this.   
There were no excuses.   
No mercy. 

 

Suddenly a voice Merlin did not recognise called into the gloom.

 

“Maleagant? Are you in there? We will be late for the King and I will blame you” Sir Lot entered the stable. When his eyes adjusted for the gloom he saw Maleagant beneath his shroud of grain and Merlin against the wall, shivering. He reached out and gripped Merlin’s arm. “I attach you in the name of the King” he shouted. And then he set up the call of murder.

 

Within a minute the stable was full, people crowding in to the dim space, pointing, talking. When the captain of the guard arrived it took him some time to get order.   
“Who called Murder?” 

“I did” said Lot. “and I attached this boy as soon as I saw what had happened”   
The Guard Captain nodded. “Take the boy to the cells. I will report to the King” 

 

“I can do that” Lot sounded petulant. As Merlin was escorted out they continued to fight over precedence. Merlin held his torn breeches up as he stumbled across the courtyard. He could see faces in the crowd and thought he recognised Jinny but his only thought was ‘I shall be dead before Arthur returns. The last sight from the battlements was goodbye’. The thoughts circled in this mind as he was pushed into a cell and door bolted behind him. 

 

oOo  
In the dark Merlin found he could think of nothing. A coldness was growing inside him and he wondered if it was death coming early. He barely noticed when a voice called his name.

 

“Merlin? Are you in there? I can’t see, are you sure he’s in there? Well, all right, open the door”   
The light from the door lit the diminutive silhouette of Jinny.   
“I won’t be long. Off you go” she gestured as someone outside and stepped into the cell. The door closed behind her leaving only the light of a torch left inside. 

 

“I brought you these.” she said holding out her hands. “They’re Dickon’s so they’re wider and shorter than you need but they’ll cover you right enough. You give me yours. My friend’s a seamstress and she’ll have them mended by tomorrow.”   
Merlin looked at her with incomprehension.   
“Your breeches? Hand them over”   
Merlin realised what she was referring to and blushed at the implications. She knew. He turned away.   
Jinny knelt in the straw beside him and reaching out, turned his face so that he could see her. 

 

“Maleagant was not a nice man. Not nice at all” her voice was fierce and her passion belied her words. “There’s many in this castle as will be happy he has had an accident. And don’t you turn from me Merlin, lessen you think I’m not worth looking at”. 

 

Merlin understood. He touched her face gently  
“You?” he said softly.   
Her eyes told their story.   
“You just take these and change and we will see what we can do”   
Merlin did what he was told. As he changed he asked;  
“How did you get in here?”   
“Robin, he’s the guard who brought you in, he’s sweet on me. I think he’s a bit soft really, daft thing does everything I tell him” 

 

Despite the horror of his situation, Merlin found a smile curling the corners of his mouth at the thought of Jinny, all four foot nothing, ordering a Castle guard to do her bidding. It was entirely possible he thought ruefully. He had done what she said after all. 

 

“Now,” she said before leaving “Don’t you fret none. We’ll try to help. My friend will be back with these tonight. I have to work, we’re behindhand in the kitchen” She moved to the door.  
“I’ll have to take this I’m afraid” she said lifting the torch. 

 

Suddenly Merlin feared she would be the last friend he would see. “Jinny” he said “if I . if tomorrow. Tell Arthur ...” Tell Arthur what? What to say? She broke into his thoughts.   
“Very like you’ll tell our Prince yourself, but ...if not... I’ll tell. No need for words”   
She knocked on the door, which opened and she left. 

 

The cell seemed darker after the light was removed but the darkness no longer broke him. The chill on his heart was gone. Whatever was ahead, he would face it. 

 

Later that night a dark haired girl Merlin had not seen before brought his breeches back, mended. She took Dickon’s pair back and left without a word. Merlin found himself wondering had Dickon had to make do with a breech clout for the evening. Servants did not tend to have spares. 

 

oOo

It was two days before he was brought before the King.   
“We are here to investigate the circumstances of the death of the loyal and noble knight Sir Maleagant of Crove Hill and to accuse and punish any found to be guilty of his death.” The King intoned. 

 

“You boy.” The King turned to Merlin “What were you doing in the stable at that time?” 

“I went to see my horse?” Merlin wished he had a good answer but decided to stay with the truth for now. 

“Your horse? You are very free with royal property. Do you need a reminder of your place?”

Merlin realised that just speaking before the King brought him trouble. 

“Captain? Was Sir Maleagant seen with this presumptuous servant?” 

“Your Majesty, no one reported them together at any stage. It would seem they did not know each other” 

Merlin would have started but managed to control it. The courtyard had been busy when Maleagant had frog marched him across. Had no one seen? 

“How did Sir Maleagant die?”  
The captain gestured to the door and two guards entered carrying a large sack between them. 

“This” said the Captain in a pompous tone, “is the instrument of death. Sir Maleagant was dealt a fatal blow with this sack.” 

“ And the boy delivered the blow?” The King seemed insistent. 

“I can’t see how” said the captain reluctantly. “That sack is at least two hundredweight. My men could barely carry it here. He” nodding at Merlin “could not have wielded it at all let alone with any force” 

The King pondered. “Then how...?”

 

“That would be my fault Your Majesty” Tom came forward, towering over all present. “I had out that there sack on the loft to get it out of the way. It must have fallen.”

 

The whole Court looked at Tom and none doubted he could have lifted that sack to the stable loft. 

 

The King was not happy.

 

“It seems there has been a serious lack of care in this matter” he began. “You” he turned to Tom “have been egregiously careless and your carelessness has cost the life of a noble knight of Camelot. Ten lashes” he dismissed Tom with a wave of his hand.

 

“You” he turned to Merlin For your presumption and insolence: a day in the stocks. For failing to call the death, ten lashes”


	4. The Prince's Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin finds loyalty still lives in Camelot and re-takes what is his.

Merlin hated the stocks. 

He always had. He had tried to mask the humiliation he felt by laughing and joking with those who mocked him, just as he had when faced with bullies in Ealdor. They called him a clown, he gave them a clown. But it still hurt. 

As he was walked across the main square to the platform he knew that today he would not be able to joke. Everything was too raw. Today the humiliation he felt would be seen and the shame of knowing that nearly broke him. He was almost relieved when, upon reaching the familiar pillory, the captain of the guard pulled out a cloth and gagged him. 

“By order of the King,” he said. “The punishment is for insolence. You are to be kept silent” 

The penalty was a day in the stocks. Dawn to dusk: At this time of year, twelve hours. At this hour, just after dawn, the square was practically empty. Although many people in the castle rose before dawn, they all had jobs to do and no time to spend in idle bullying. After a few hours the place filled up and the taunts started. 

By that time Merlin barely noticed. He had not thought of the effect standing still for so long would have on his leg. Two hours into his punishment and his leg was on fire. He could not move and shifting position just moved the pain, so when the first child threw something at him it was almost a distraction. 

And then something happened. Mothers appeared, flurried and annoyed and hauled off the youthful offenders, one or two by the ear. Merlin had no idea why until he heard one mother berating her son as she dragged him away.

“Our Prince baint here is he? He dint order this. You leave ‘im be now you hear?”

A tiny part of Merlin warmed to the thought that even here the love of Arthur protected him a little bit, but then realised that it just left the field open for the real bullies; older boys who saw cruelty as fun. 

They had just begun when a tall figure moved across the courtyard and took up position in front of the pillory. He unrolled a cloth he carried and revealed a set of throwing knives, and a few daggers. Taking a whet stone he sat cross-legged and began to hone the blades. The bullies drifted away. 

Merlin recognised him as a new arrival to Camelot. Just dubbed knight, he had been sent to be trained by Arthur. Merlin had seen him at training, gawky and ill at ease among the easy camaraderie of Arthur’s knights. He had been slightly injured in a melee a few days before the patrol had left, giving Arthur an excuse to leave him behind. Merlin groped for a name..Gars? Gareth? 

The captain the guard, who was passing, came over.  
“It is not permitted to speak to the prisoner” he said in his official voice.  
The knight looked up.  
“I have not spoken to him, nor will I, not one word, on my oath as a knight.”   
The captain nodded and went on his way. 

 

Merlin saw everything through a mist of pain. He tried hard not to whimper beneath the gag but involuntarily his breath came with guttural catches. 

The guard changed and the new guard moistened his gag with fresh water and wiped his face with a cool cloth. Merlin wanted to feel grateful but only the pain was real. He was dimly aware that Gars, or Gareth had left but it meant nothing. He wondered if he could die from standing, and then feared that he would not. 

When the knight returned some time later Merlin became aware that the guard was whispering his name. Merlin roused himself to look and saw the knight was holding a small phial in his eye line. Merlin recognised it. Poppy juice. Gaius’ own preparation. The knight raised his brows questioningly and Merlin nodded. Carefully, without drawing attention to it, the knight poured the contents of the phial into a bowl of water and the guard used it to moisten the gag. 

At first there was no change, but then, bit by bit Merlin felt the cramped muscles in his legs ease, and though the pain remained, there was a barrier between it and him. The knight resumed his vigil and every few hours the guard replenished the water on his gag. 

Even so, when dusk came and the captain released from the pillory he would have fallen had not the knight reached out and held him. Half walking, half carried, he was taken to the dungeon for the second part of Uther’s punishment. 

At the whipping post, Merlin’s sense of unreality grew. Was this now? Or then? The manacles on his wrists chaffed; Real or memory?   
He tried to shake the confusion from his head but it just made him dizzy,   
Then? or Now?   
“I am not leaving” a voice spoke.   
Now? Then?   
And then the lash but ...it was faint through a haze of poppy juice.  
Now?   
Now.   
When the count reached ten the captain spoke, releasing the manacles.  
“The sentence of the King now being complete, you are free to go”   
Merlin stumbled.   
“I seem to make a habit of this” he said, his voice slurring.   
The knight gripped his arm and ushered him out the door. 

Inside the room Meclid was also having a sense of déjà vu. Having a knight in the room had not helped. He put away the whip he used; not the heavy duty whip the king favoured but the lightest one that would still make a mark. He knew what the king wanted but Arthur’s actions in this room had made Meclid aware how much he valued this man. Meclid chose not to destroy him. He also decided to look seriously at cess pit cleaning as a career. 

Outside the room Merlin tugged at the knight’s arm to get him to stop.  
“I am taking you to the physician” the knight said.  
“Gaius. His name is Gaius.”  
“Gaius, I’m taking you to...”  
“Why?”   
“You need attention”  
“No,” Merlin was emphatic. “why this? Why are you helping me? Why.. I can’t ... your name...?”   
“Gareth”   
“Sir Gareth, why are you doing this?”   
Gareth turned to him. “I know I’m not one of you, but I see how the Prince’s men work together, knights fighting as a team, looking out for each other and when I saw you this morning I realised I was the only one left to ... so ..”  
“I am not a knight” Merlin’s voice was tired.  
“But you are one of the Prince’s men” Gareth’s voice sounded lonely and Merlin recalled seeing him at the sidelines looking on  
“Are you the Prince’s man?” Merlin asked.  
“I want to be”.  
“Well then maybe you are” Merlin broke into a smile “I think you need to go drinking with Gwaine”   
“He scares me a bit” Gareth confessed.   
“He scares himself sometimes, just go with it.” Merlin laughed then groaned. “I do need to see Gaius. I think the poppy juice is wearing off” 

oOo

Arthur arrived back early. Scouts had sighted the column and alerted the castle that the prince would return the next day, but Arthur chose to ride with the messengers and so came to Camelot a day early. 

As he rode in to the stable yard, he saw Tom and called to him to take his exhausted horse. Tom, stripped to the waist in the autumn sun, turned to lead the animal away, showing healed lash marks on his back. 

“What happened you Tom?” said Arthur in a serious tone.   
“Just a mite of carelessness earned me the lash, but tis all good. The master physician used a new salve on me while I slept and it healed right fast.”  
Arthur smiled inwardly at the nature of the new ‘salve’. Merlin was getting more adventurous with his healing.   
“Was Merlin around at the time?” he asked innocently.  
“Oh aye, Merlin’s healing well too” said Tom as he walked away. 

 

Arthur stood in the stable yard, his heart sinking. ‘Three weeks’ he thought ‘I just left him for three weeks’ .

Trying not to look hurried he went to Gaius’ chambers but found them empty. A quick examination of his own room found the same. Arthur paused, recognising the futility of searching the entire castle. He decided to find out what had happened by going to the heart of the castle. Once he would have thought that was his father’s Court but now he knew it was the Kitchen.   
Once there he knew who to look for. 

“Meg?” he called, “tell me about Merlin”  
“Oh Sire, you’re back! Now don’t you fret about Merlin, he’s fine now, he’s with Gaius collecting plants, he’ll be back this evening”  
“Meg?” Arthur put a warning in his voice.  
“I’m telling you true Sire, he is fine, the lash marks have faded much faster this time, hardly bothered him at all, I think the stocks were worse, though Jinny’s young man did his best for him and that Sir Gareth is a treasure and him so young...”

“Meg” Arthur was trying to be calm and the strain was showing “What happened?” 

“Well it all started when that Sir Maleagant got hisself killed with a sack of grain, which is better than he deserved by all accounts though I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead and him noble born and all, and then our Merlin got taken in hand for the murder though it wern’t murder as I said on account of Tom saying as how it were him as put the sack where it could fall and the king said he should get the lash for that and then he said as how our Merlin was pre...pre... above his station and should have called the hue and cry for the murder so he ordered him in the stocks and to feel the lash but Jinny made sure that the King never knew about the other and that Sir Gareth he stayed by him all day and the fact is our Merlin is tougher than he looks and he’ll be all right thank the gods.” Meg stopped to draw breath and Arthur tried to make sense of her story. 

“When did this happen?”   
“The day, no the day after you left, that’s when Sir Maleagant was found and our Merlin in the stable and him dead”

‘One day’. thought Arthur. ‘Not three weeks, it took Merlin one day to get into trouble’. 

Arthur thanked Meg and he was moving to go when, seeing more in his face than he would have liked to be seen, she called to him.  
“Don’t you go eating yourself up inside because you can’t protect all of us all the time. Sometimes we has got to look out for each other.”   
He turned back to her. “One day” he said softly “ I was gone for one day, Meg”  
“Oh aye, trouble seems to follow him like wolves to a carcass but he comes through. Like I said, tougher than he looks” 

oOo  
Arthur went to his room and waited for Merlin, giving his excuses to the King. 

When Merlin entered, looking weary, his limp more pronounced through tiredness, Arthur was sitting facing the door. 

“Arthur!” said Merlin joyfully, “You’re home”   
“Stating the obvious as ever, Merlin,” Arthur’s voice had his supercilious tone and Merlin pulled back slightly.  
“How is your back?” Arthur continued  
“Oh” said Merlin. “I had hoped to get you very drunk before I told you”  
“I have just one question for you” said Arthur standing up and walking towards Merlin,  
“Why did you kill him?” 

 

Merlin stood still, his eyes darkening.   
“He was at the Inn” he said after a pause. 

 

Arthur cursed himself for not checking who had been left behind, for not stopping it, for not being there but Merlin misunderstood the disgust that appeared on the Prince’s face. His hand went to the scar on his face that he rubbed whenever he was stressed. 

“It wasn’t murder, I swear, it was... he.... I couldn’t just let... not this time...” his voice trailed off as Arthur looked up sharply

“Did he..?”

“I was back. His voice, his words. Back to the Inn. I thought I was safe in Camelot. I thought it was over but it’s not over, it can never be over” Merlin’s tone was empty but it became defiant as he said:  
“I’m tainted goods Arthur, Broken, useless. I’ll never leave that Inn, not really, I am nothing but...”

Arthur was tired. He had had a tough patrol made harder by the lack of Merlin’s skills. For twenty miles he had thought of nothing but a warm bath, clean clothes, good food and Merlin’s company and instead he was faced with another crisis. As he looked at Merlin, the man’s whole body shouting despair, he knew that if the roles were reversed, if it were he who had lost hope, Merlin would have the words to help him, give him strength, restore his faith. But Arthur did not have the words, so he said the only thing that was in his thoughts at that moment.

 

“I love you” 

It felt strange saying it aloud. Arthur waited for the world to end and when it didn’t he said it again.

“I love you and when I look at you I don’t see tainted or broken or useless, I see strength and power and ridiculous ears and ...is that my shirt you’re wearing?”  
Merlin nodded. He did not say that he had burnt the shirt he had worn in the stable.   
Arthur pulled Merlin to his chest.   
“I am a soldier” he said, “if a thing can’t be fixed by a sword, I don’t know what to do. But I’m not sorry you killed him, I am sorry I did not and sorry you were hurt because you had to. I am sorry I drove you away in the first place and caused this sorry mess...”  
“Arthur?” Merlin interrupted. “say it again”  
Arthur threw caution to the winds. “I. Love.You, Merlin son of Hunith of the ridiculous ears”  
“m’ears aren’t ridiculous” Merlin sounded defensive. His ears had been the targets for bullies since he was a child.  
“Distracting then” said Arthur, nibbling on an earlobe.  
“Distracting I can deal with” murmured Merlin, responding in kind. 

 

There was a knock on the door.

In three strides Arthur was at the fireplace, contemplating the carving. Merlin smiled to see his embarrassment, then went to the door. Outside, a tray with food, some with savoury steam rising from it, sat on the floor. Merlin saw Meg and Dickon disappearing down the corridor and called to them. 

“Oh” said Meg, “dint want to disturb you two been as how you have a lot to be telling our Prince, but I thought he’d be needing a bite to eat and you tell him no better went to the King’s table though I added the honey cakes, him being partial to them and don’t you start taking them mind they’re for our Prince, and I have the bath water on and you mind our Prince uses it , he’ll be stiff and sore after three weeks in the saddle and you make sure you tell him true that you’re fine, our Merlin, cos otherwise he’ll fret and...” 

Merlin broke in on her speech. “I promise I will look after him, Meg” 

“Aye, I don’t doubt you will. You’re a good boy our Merlin, and don’t you let anyone tell you otherwise” To his embarrassment, Meg patted his cheek before she walked off.

 

Merlin manhandled the tray inside, and shutting the door brought it to the table. Arthur stood by the fire, his shoulders shaking. He turned and Merlin saw both laughter and unshed tears in his eyes.  
“Meg is..” he began  
“Kind” said Merlin.  
“I have had servants at my beck and call all my life but none of them ever ...”  
“Gave a damn?” said Merlin  
“Merlin, would you stop finishing my sentences, I was going to say.. cared...”  
“That’s because you used to be a prat, now you are their Prince.” Merlin’s tone was deceptively light.  
“Used to be?”   
“Used to be”  
oOo

Later, as he lay in Arthur’s arms, Merlin contemplated that this was not the passionate homecoming either of them would have imagined. Arthur, full of food and exhausted from prolonged stress, dozed off in the bath and it took some effort to get him to bed. Merlin had been hesitant about joining him but Arthur had reached out a hand and said “Stay with me” so he had stayed. As he slipped beneath the covers, Arthur had pulled him close and promptly fell asleep.   
‘At least we’re home’ thought Merlin as he allowed sleep to take him. 

But Merlin knew he was not fully home. Part of him was still in the dingy room in the Inn. Even in Arthur’s bed, there were things they had not done, places they had not touched. Maleagent’s grasping hands had brought back the memories, fresh and paralysing. Until he reclaimed his body he could not lose the memories. 

The next day Merlin made a decision and that evening he nervously approached Arthur, his courage and a jar of oil in his hands.  
“I want you to fuck me”  
“A bit blunt, Merlin?” said Arthur, eyebrow raised in a quizzical look.  
“Um, is that not... I don’t... I’ve never done this before” Merlin sounded defensive. This was not going well.  
“Not even flowers?” said Arthur. Merlin began to think that maybe the Prince was still a prat when Arthur changed tone.   
“Why Merlin? I’ve never asked and I don’t expect” he said gently.  
Merlin found it hard to meet his eyes. Looking down he said:   
“They took something from me. I don’t know if I can ever be whole again but I know the way to start is to have someone I love...”  
“Fuck you”   
Merlin gave a half a laugh.   
“Bit blunt Arthur?”   
“Do you really want this?” Arthur’s voice was soft but insistent.  
“I know I want it. I’m not sure if I can go through with it” 

 

A little while later as Merlin found himself face down on the bed he still wasn’t sure. This is Arthur, he thought he won’t hurt me. Everything’s fine. He tried and failed to relax as Arthur, having run feather light kisses down the lash marks on his back, inserted first one finger, then two, until  
“Oh?” Oooh!  
Merlin was not a wordy lover, but he was vocal and Arthur had learned to interpret the squeaks and oohs he made, That one definitely meant; do that again. So he did, for the same response. Merlin began to see the point to this after all, and did not tense up as Arthur slowly slid inside. He felt full and somehow complete. When Arthur withdrew he groaned and moved his hips in protest until Arthur pulled him higher and entered again. Merlin found himself raising his hips as Arthur thrust faster and harder and as he felt Arthur come inside him with a muffled shout that could have been “Merlin” or could have been “mine” Merlin found Maleagant’s words ‘arse in the air, come on your legs, begging for more’ appear, unbidden in his mind. But the words had no power over him. ‘I am’, he thought ‘I am all that, but this is not shameful; this is wonderful and I am loved.’ Suddenly fetters he had not known were there broke inside him and he came in shuddering sobs. 

Arthur, lying over him, tensed and pulled away.  
“Merlin?” he said anxiously.  
Merlin turned his tear streaked face to the prince and gave him a blazing smile,  
“M’fine” he said “I’m more than fine, I’m free”  
“I will never fathom you out” murmured Arthur.   
“Keep trying,” said Merlin, “You have your own magic you know”   
Arthur smiled. “So?” he said with a question in his eyes.   
“Oh yes” said Merlin “we will definitely be doing this again” 

He was not cured. It would take more than one act to heal him of the wounds he had received in slavery, but he knew with a certainty he could not explain, that he could leave the Inn behind. 

Merlin laughed as Arthur pulled him home.


End file.
